WHAT IF...

      The first tickets (four to be precise) have been sold for the Saturday performance of 3Kinds – not that I’m checking ticket sales every 3 minutes or anything, that would be insane, um, if you’d just excuse me a second…– which means I can't get out of it now. At least not on the Saturday. Friday still holds promise. This realisation has released a tsunami of whatif's:

1. What if, like at this week's rehearsal, I have a cold on performance night? In more-than-one-person shows, if I’m under the weather I know I can use the moments I’m not on stage to have a quick nose-blow, Locket-suck or phlegm-spit (always into a tissue or toilet bowl, just incase health & safety are reading). When I’m on stage, I can use the times I’m not speaking to surreptitiously clear my throat, wipe my nose or get my breath back. But this time there’ll be no escape: no toilets to run to, no backs to hide behind, no moments to recharge. This time my snot and I are in this together, til curtains do us part.

2. What if I lose my voice during the performance? I’ve never had to speak solidly for an hour before and even if I manage to do it in rehearsals, what if, on the night, my ordinarily little voice succumbs to the pressure of solo-showdom and decides to leave the building?

3. What if I forget my lines - there’ll be nobody else to paddle me out of shit creek?

4. What if nobody laughs at the bits that are supposed to be funny?

5. What if people laugh during the bits that aren’t supposed to be funny?

6. What if people fall asleep?

7. What if people walk out?

8. What if I get an awful review?

9. What if I have a total meltdown on stage? 

10. What if I have a total meltdown before I go on stage?

11. What if I don’t sell many tickets and there’s hardly any audience?

12. What if I sell lots of tickets and get freaked out by the number of people I know in the audience?

13. What if it nothing goes terribly wrong, in fact what if it all goes rather smoothly and I actually enjoy doing it and the audience enjoys watching it and I even consider doing it all over again, and again, and again – then what, eh? Eh?

14. What if I’ve just gone and jinxed it all by ending on number 13? Sorted.

(note to self: all of these whatifs are in fact whatifs I have before any show I'm in, even if it's with a large cast. They just feel a lot iffier this time.)

The PPM

Had a rather belated PPM on Sunday. No not a Pre-Menstrual Meltdown (although I’ll be having an extra big one of those this month and next, what with the added show stress - the boyfriend has been warned), but the Pre-Production Meeting for 3Kinds. The pre-production meeting normally takes place prior to the show going into production – the clue being in the title. But for some reason this meeting didn’t happen until we were well into the rehearsal period. I’m just amazed it happened at all, and I spent the whole hour feeling extremely lucky as well as grateful to the six other people who had gathered around a table in a hall on a glorious Sunday afternoon to discuss the nitty-gritty of a show some of them aren’t even the slightest bit involved (and probably not even all that interested) in. And all for the good of my ‘crazy idea’. All so that everything –lights, sound, set design, health&safety, publicity– runs as smoothly as possible for me from now until curtains. And I didn’t even bring them any biscuits. Shame on me. There will be some at next month's PM, I promise.

Minutes From The PPM

1.     Jezz kindly ‘volunteered’ (magically, without even opening his mouth) to take care of lighting design as well as sound.

2.     We still need a lighting operator, which hopefully will be somebody other than Jezz.

3.     The set will be minimal and hopefully not too slippery.

4.     The only health and safety issue could involve audience members being attacked by pieces of paper.

5.     I will not be wearing a white t-shirt and pouring water over my head during the show.

6.     As far as publicity is concerned we just need to tell people that tickets are now on sale.

SO PEOPLE – TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE http://www.ticketsource.co.uk/newventuretheatre/

SO WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I  ask myself this question up to 333 times a day, more if you count when I'm asleep. Other people ask me it too, usually when I'm talking about my show with that rabbit-caught-in-headlights expression, a look which says: I have no idea how I got myself into this position and the chances of me getting out of here in one fluffy bouncing piece is as likely as George Osborne being turned into Mr Popular by a current day Roger Hargreaves. So, if I'm THAT  scared, why AM i doing it???

Well, here are some 'possible' reasons:

1. I love performing
2. I love writing
3. I wanted to write something I could perform
4. I wanted to perform something I'd written
5. To entertain people and make them laugh/cry/think/feel/question
5. I like pushing my own boundaries
6. I liking creating
7. Life is too short
8. I believe in feeling the fear and doing it anyway
9. I want to improve/grow/develop as a writer/performer
10. I'm mad

and now for some reasons why I probably shouldn't be doing it:

1. It's bloody scary
2. I've never done a show on my own before
3. I'll get stage fright/forget my lines/faint or all of the above
4. It'll be a disaster
5. People will hate it
6. I'll hate it
7. I'll become ill with the stress
8. I might not want to perform ever again
9. I might not be asked to perform ever again
10. I'm mad

Right, I think it's time for some mindfulness...

SO WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?

When people ask me what my show is about, I tend to give them a look which roughly translates into 'Gosh, that's something I really should know, shouldn't I? Especially considering I wrote the damn thing. But, actually, if I have to sum it up to you right now, in a sentence or three, well do you know what, I have absolutely know idea how to do it?!' YOU know that look.

So, to make it easier for everybody, here is a quick brainstorm of what I think my show is about:

LOVE, HATE, LOSS, MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, RELATIONSHIPS, MENTAL HEALTH, SELFHOOD, MADNESS, SANITY, MINDFULNESS, IDENTITY, CAMPING, DATING, SEX, WRITING, THERAPY, DEATH, GRIEF, LIFE, MOTHERHOOD, CACTI, ARTICHOKES, DRUGS (prescription and non prescription), ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, PANIC-ATTACKS, SELF-HARM, DECEPTION, TRUST, FRIENDSHIP, LOYALTY, and of course BANANAS.

I hope that's helped clear things up.